5 Signs You're "Chameleon Dating" & Hiding The Real You

Do you have a tendency to act like a chameleon when it comes to dating?  And no, I don’t mean, you act like a lizard! A dating chameleon is someone who fears standing out.  A dating chameleon blends in to find approval and love.  You may share parts of yourself, but you have a deep fear that if you let your partner see the real you, you won’t be accepted. You won’t be loved. And so, you pretend. You pretend to like golf when you think it’s boring. You pretend to agree with his conservative political beliefs when you’re really a tree hugging liberal. You act interested despite a feeling of boredom. You pretend it’s ok for him not to text you for three days because you don’t want to appear “needy”, but inside you’re feeling like a wreck.

Women are often connectors and pleasers. We can be really good at being afraid to hurt someone’s feelings.  We can also be really good at denying our own needs and desires.  Even the strongest women can struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy and feeling unloveable. 

You can become a dating chameleon for many reasons. Maybe you’re tired of the dating scene and you’re trying to convince yourself that he’s “the One”, even though your gut says otherwise. Maybe you’re tired of being alone on Friday nights, and feel like a mediocre date is better than no date at all. Maybe you have a belief that you’re not good enough to find the love that you really desire.  Maybe that clock is ticking, and you’re the last of your friends to get married.  Maybe you’ve seen generations of “settling” and believe that’s just how relationships work. 

What’s the risk of chameleon dating? When you’re not showing up in authentic ways with a partner or date, they can’t get to know the real you. They only see the part of you that you are trying to be. Eventually, your truth will be seen. No one can hide forever. 

5 signs you might be chameleon dating and attracting the wrong kind of partner for you:

  1. You find yourself agreeing with everything your date likes, says, or does, even when you really don’t agree. It doesn’t mean you have to be a disagreeable, miserable date!  But if you find yourself acting like you like something in order to get your date to approve of you… you may end up with a lifetime of golf games when you would rather be hitting the powder on a ski slope.  
  2. You pretend to be disinterested and aloof after you don’t hear from your date for awhile, when you’re really chomping at the bit for a text message. If you pretend to be someone who is ok with occasional, distant contact, you may end up with someone who prefers the same. This could spell heartbreak if you’re looking for commitment.
  3. Your self-esteem suffers after a date, or maybe after just looking through online profiles.  You start to tell yourself that you’re not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough… You compare yourself, your lifestyle, your money, your looks, and tell yourself there’s no way this person would spend their life with you!  
  4. You stretch the truth, speak ambiguously about things you’re embarrassed for your date to know, or tell white lies about your life, all in the interest of being accepted and loved.
  5. You date “below” you. You date partners who really aren’t a good match for your lifestyle, your intellectual or emotional levels, your religious or political beliefs.  These are “safe” partners who on some level, may seem like they’ll stick around because you’re the better half of the partnership and they’d never want to leave you.  But then you end up feeling resentful, bored, or unfulfilled.  

The best way to know if you're becoming a chameleon dater is to get really honest with yourself.  Do you feel something uneasy in your gut when you’re on a date with someone?  Something may be screaming a loud “no!” inside of you, or you may just be feeling a nagging sense that something isn’t right. It won’t feel right if you are disconnected from your truth- the real, raw, authentic beauty inside of you.

Instead of being a chameleon, choose to be you. Trust that every single human being has something beautiful inside and out. You have something beautiful to offer to your beloved when the right one arrives. It makes it impossible for your beloved to find you when you’re hiding.  Stand out. 

Be brave. Be YOU. Be loved.  

Can you relate?  Enter a comment below and let me know what you've experienced.

With love,

Chelli