My mom was a badass. She was one of the strongest women I have ever known. Beautiful. Smart. A feminist. Men loved her, but none could contain her. No one had her back. Why? Because she didn’t know how to receive. She was so damn strong she emasculated every man she ever knew. She didn’t trust men. She wanted men but she didn’t trust them. The weaker they appeared, the stronger she became, and that just weakened them even more.
My mom raised me to be a badass too. I followed in her emasculating footsteps for the first half of my adult life. I married a man who didn’t know how to step into his masculine energy, after being raised by a mother who taught him this (like many men). My masculine energy that I had been taught just held him back even more, and we had a fabulously miserable marriage because of this role reversal. Fortunately, I learned about masculine and feminine dynamics in relationships and healed this part of me before I spent the rest of my adult life repeating this pattern.
I’ve always been good at moving into my masculine energy. Like many women in our culture, I’ve learned to survive in a masculine state, where we push, control, and take charge. Many of us think we have to be strong on the outside. On the surface, this often makes us feel safe, in charge, and powerful. Inside, our feminine is gasping for air.
We get shit done in the world in this masculine state (but this isn’t necessarily a requirement to get shit done, by the way). I had a habit of choosing men who weren’t in touch with their masculine side, which kept me feeling resentful and hating their inability to stand up and “be the man” for me. The less masculine they were, the more masculine I became, which left both sides in a state of imbalance and fear. I could never feel emotionally safe with a man because I always sensed that they were afraid of me and my emotions. A man who isn’t in his masculine state can feel incredibly intimidated and shut down by a woman in her feminine flow.
Strong women, can you relate to this?
If you don’t relate, and you're thinking I’m making some statement about women returning to a state of gender driven powerlessness, please hear me out.
This is not a threat to the power and equality of women. This has nothing to do with that. In fact, it is a key to power and equality. This is about masculine and feminine energy. This has nothing to do with gender, or feminism. It has to do with energy in relationships- heterosexual or homosexual. Its about yin yang. Its balance.
It works like this. One person tends to hold the masculine energy, which is strong, decisive, and penetrating. It is the glue and the foundation. It is the container of a relationship. The masculine values freedom. The feminine is receptive. It values connection, and while equally strong, it flows with emotion and intuition. It is the essence that fills the container. In male-female relationships, it is often that the woman is feminine, and the man is masculine, but it is not always the case. In homosexual relationships, this dynamic also exists. We all have a natural tendency to be one or the other.
Both masculine and feminine need each other for fullness, for balance. When someone is living outside of their true energy, it disrupts the flow of a relationship. A woman can’t relax into her surrendered flow, and a man can’t step up into his power. And when this happens, they become resentful and lost in the relationship. Women start pushing men away by commanding orders and feeling disappointment when their men don’t step up to take care of them. Men start ignoring their women, shutting down, and resenting them for emasculating them. This is the state of many of our modern day relationships, and it gets ugly.
Women, I share this personal story so that you can learn, in case you have lost touch with your feminine. You see, at heart, I am a flowing, emotionally infused feminine woman. I can be in my masculine all day at work, directing, deciding, pushing, holding my own. But, I’ve learned what it feels like to surrender to the energy of a masculine man. It deflates this need to be in charge to feel safe, and my false belief that I need to do-it-all. It makes way for my even more powerful feminine flow to come in. I can relax into love when I know that a man truly has my back. I receive it. I allow it. We both flourish when this balance occurs.
When we are in our feminine, we feel like goddesses. We don’t need to be BADASSES, because we are badass, in a whole different way. We allow men to feel like the heroes they want to be.
When we allow our emotions to flow, we also help men get more in touch with their own emotion which is inaccessible without the mirror of the feminine. He can feel his emotions when you open up. Your receptive flow gives him purpose and empowerment. We find balance.