GUEST BLOG POST BY MARK STEFANISHYN:
It’s hard work dating a woman whoseNetflix account always puts “Inspiring Emotional Dramas Featuring a Strong Female Lead” at the very top of the list.
You know the type – ambitious and independent, intimidatingly beautiful, into yoga and spirituality, and has dreams of impacting millions of women with a message of hope and inspiration towards becoming their best selves.
I must admit I’ve become intimately familiar with the teachings of women like Gabby Bernstein, Danielle Laporte, and Esther Hicks entirely by osmosis.
I’ve even ended up reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen…and it was actually pretty good.
(To any women reading this – I’m just kidding. It was AMAZING and I totally understand why it’s considered a timeless classic.)
All these efforts have been made with the hope of understanding this amazing, powerful, and beautiful woman I share my life with.
And if there is one thing I’ve come to understand, it’s that these self proclaimed Goddesses are here to stay.
So men like you and I can either learn to live with them or learn to live without them.
Recently I was listening to an interview with Maria Elisa Camargo – a very successful Ecuadorian actress who has starred in TV shows across Columbia and Mexico and is now building a career in the US.
Men simultaneously dream about and are terrified of women like Maria.
She expressed the epitome of what it’s like to be an ambitious woman who can provide for herself:
- “People that knew me from 5 or 6 years ago cannot believe who I am today – it’s crazy how much I’ve been changing.”
- “I’ve been investigating Tantra lately. Exercises with your sexual energy and stuff like that.”
- “I’m definitely a spiritual person – I like to search for moments that make me come alive and feel as much as possible”
So what exactly could a man like you or I provide a self empowered woman whose primary need in life is to “come alive and feel as much as possible“?
Before we can answer this question, we need to know why she’s wants these meaningful experiences in the first place so we don’t get stuck trying to follow some script that sounds nice but doesn’t actually work.
Do you remember Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs from high school?
It looks like this:
Until recently, most women’s primary focus within the pyramid was on the physiological needs – “How do I stay alive?“ This woman's entire life would have been spent trying to make sure her family can survive.
In the 1890s women didn’t have room for questions like “Who am I? What was I put here to do? Am I truly happy? Am I following my passion and bliss by being in this relationship? Does he see me?“
However, these questions are quickly becoming the litmus test for modern women who are completely capable of providing for themselves without a man’s assistance.
They are questions that can only be asked by a woman who has moved up Maslow’s pyramid into the Psychological and Self Actualization/Spiritual needs.
This can leave older men feeling completely lost and confused on what to do to keep a woman happy.
The younger men are often left with no frame of reference for what being a man even means because they’ve grown up next to women that never truly needed a man.
There’s been a fundamental shift and we have to catch up with it.
The long standing accepted aspiration for Western men is about slicing out a little section of the world as his empire to rule over above all else.
A man’s primary focus is to ensure the physical survival of himself and his family.
While he’s on his quest for survival, he’ll forge relationships with other people (mostly men) that can help gain access to additional resources to help ensure his survival – an oversimplified example is hunting buddies who only meet a couple times a year during hunting season.
This aspiration of building an empire means a man is subconsciously influenced to prioritize survival first and relationships second.
Women are different though.
While today’s women are indeed setting out in droves to build their own legacies they are going about it a bit differently. The aspirational story for women has changed so quickly that many men are now struggling for relevance.
Traditionally, she was to aspire to marry her high school sweetheart and if that didn’t happen, definitely find a man who could be a good provider while in college.
Then she’d tend the house, raise the kids, get everyone to sign her mother-in-law’s birthday card, and keep the family name respectable by making sure her daughter knew that no one would buy the cow if she gave away the milk for free.
If her husband got in a fight with another man, chances are she would run interference with the other women to smooth things over and patch up the relationship.
Because her survival depended on her relationships she is subconsciously influenced to put relationships first and survival second – the opposite of a man.
This is why you’ll often hear modern women say “I knew I’d die if I didn’t leave my marriage” even if there was no real physical threat of death – if such an important relationship is not working, it feels like she cannot survive.
And while these women clearly have ambitions to build kingdoms, this subtle prioritization of relationships is guiding their aspirations in a fundamentally different way.
Shortly after ensuring enough resources for reasonable survival and independence, she will quickly turn a part of her energy towards helping other women take the same leap.
Women don’t build empires – they build networks.
Far more important than their individual empires and endlessly stockpiling resources for survival, most women inevitably feel drawn to creating a network of support to help elevate their sisters
When I told my girlfriend this her response was “Well I think that’s because women largely understand that helping each other is more beneficial in the long run.“
I told her I don’t think men see it quite the same and she laughed for a good minute.
This focus on relationships is also the reason why so many of these women want to discover more about their spirituality and sexuality – self empowerment, spirituality, and sexuality are the three pillars of her relationship with herself.
So now we can finally answer our original question:
How does a man provide for a spiritually-minded self-actualizing woman whose goal is to “search for moments that make her come alive” and whose primary need is to answer questions like “Who am I and what was I put here to do?“
When a woman is asking these questions, her need in a romantic relationship shifts from “Can this man provide for me?” to “Can I learn more about myself with this man?“
This is good news and bad news.
The bad news is the skills needed to provide her with a house aren’t easily transferable to helping her with her spiritual growth.
The good news is you don’t have to grow a long beard, do yoga for years, and memorize eastern spiritual texts in order to help her journey of self discovery.
It’s actually quite simple.
Winning the heart of a modern woman all comes down to sex.
I would even go so far to say that a woman will never feel like she’s independent and whole until she’s dealt with the negative sexual experiences of her past.
Let’s be honest – chances are she doesn’t think her body is skinny, fit, curvy, or sexy enough.
And she still gets upset about how she could feel her boss’ leering eyes every time she had to walk by his office…even if she hasn’t seen him in 3 years and knows she should have let it go by now.
Then there’s her childhood memories of being told spending time in front of a mirror is vain and being lectured about not getting too big for her britches.
Far beyond just being about sex, these experiences covertly infuse themselves into every aspect of her life to create doubt, shame, and anxiety about who she is.
So a woman looking to realize her full potential has no choice but to confront these sexual blockages and heal them.
This is where men have an opportunity to play a big role.
If you truly want to have a long relationship with one of these women without her moving on and outgrowing you, the simplest and best way is to be the one that helped her heal her sexual insecurities.
Needless to say, a man that stands next to her and can support her through such a transformation is one she’d love to have in her life.
Luckily it’s a straightforward process.
All you need to do to negate these insecurities is give her positive, quality sexual experiences that make her feel loved.
How do you do that?
It looks something like this: A tidy room, candles and incense, and nice music are the most effective tools you have to create an emotionally meaningful experience.
Once your backdrop is set, let her feel what it’s like to be touched softly and gently without any expectation for her to perform.
When you combine a sensual environment and gentle touch she feels relaxed and safe before getting turned on.
It is the ultimate emotional experience for a woman.
At that point it’s no longer just sex.
From the woman’s perspective, it’s like you are standing guard and acting as a counter argument to all the dark thoughts she’s hid from her whole life – that she’s not beautiful, that she’s not loveable, that no one would find her worthwhile to be with.
This is what those cryptic Tantra teachers mean when they say “Sex is a powerful healing force” – by associating sex with relaxation and safety, you are giving her an experience that says she IS worthy of love and that she IS beautiful.
Over time her body will rewrite the programming and she’ll finally have achieved the elusive self-love she’s been craving for decades.
She’ll also feel incredibly bonded and close to the man who stood beside her during her transformation AND she’ll want to have sex more often than ever before to keep the good times rolling.
It’s a win-win for everyone.
Remember – you don’t have to be a psychologist, you don’t have to solve it for her, you really don’t have to say anything at all. You just need to give her your attention and make her feel safe. The experience itself will do the rest of the work.
The unspoken truth is the way we touch our women has a massive impact on them.
A man’s touch can make a women feel fear, dread, resentment, and loathing or it can make her feel safe, loved, precious, and beautiful.
The quality of the sexual experience you provide her with is the modern equivalent to the house the men of old provided their women with.
It aligns with her subconscious influence that survival comes from her relationships and meets her modern day needs.
(Which is why this should only be done with a woman you truly love and intend to be with for a long time – this definitely isn’t for the pick-up artists)
So there is currently a window in which we can form bonds and stay relevant to this new breed of women.
Be warned though, these women are going to heal one way or another – with or without us.
If healing means she has to get rid of a man who is holding up her process, then you can be sure her sisters are going to flood in from every direction to help her take the leap.
So it’s probably better to act sooner than later.
More than ever we have the opportunity to create the most loving and connected relationships humanity has ever seen. Modern women have totally changed the rules so it’s time for us to adapt along side them.
By understanding a woman’s sense of survival is fulfilled by her relationships and using safe, relaxing sexual experiences as a way to wipe out her insecurities, you are able to transition from providing physical needs to providing spiritual needs.
Not to mention she’ll feel like she’s the luckiest woman alive – not because of her business empire or her achievements, but because of the man she has standing next to her who understands her better than anyone ever has.
Remember, you don’t have to understand what she’s going through or solve the whole thing for her.
You just need to be there next to her so she can face herself.