Have you ever had the feeling that you are too much for a partner, and then in the same breath, you feel like you’re not enough? This may sound strange, but I’m guessing that many of you, (especially you Love Connectors) will relate. I’ve been fascinated by this dynamic in my Love Connector clients (including myself), and felt it was time to shed some light on this common scenario for people with anxious attachments (and for those of you in relationship with Love Connectors).
The reason for this dynamic is simply because the Love Connector brain is wired to attach to a partner, no matter what.
This often means that they feel they must morph, hide, shrink, and deny their needs for the sake of maintaining a connection to a partner.
Think about it…if you feel like you’re not good enough for a partner, you are more likely to want to keep them around, even if they aren’t worth keeping around. This is how a Love Connector can easily place an unhealthy or abusive partner on a pedestal and stay in unhealthy relationships for too long.
On the other hand, feeling like you are too much also serves to keep you in the relationship too long. If you believe you are too much, you will fear asking for your needs to be met. You may be inauthentic with your partners, and you may also find it difficult to speak up when you aren’t happy with something. This continues to fuel the attachment needs of the Love Connector, which serve to maintain the attachment at all costs.
The anxiously attached brain wants to maintain its attachment with a partner. It will create stories in your brain that will diminish your worth, and make you hide your truth for the sake of connection.
I was hijacked by this type of dynamic most of my life as a Love Connector with my anxious attachment. After many unhappy relationships, I realized this pattern of staying small. My brain wanted me to hide. It made me fearful of rocking the boat by asking for my needs to be met. It didn’t let me share my deepest feelings or thoughts. It kept my truth in hiding so that I never became too much for someone and risked pushing them away.
If you find that you are getting caught up in the too much-not enough trap, there are two things you can do to end this unhealthy cycle.
Increase your awareness.
Understand that your attachment style is working hard for your survival, and is really just trying to metaphorically have your back. However, since we aren’t cavemen and women anymore, this type of relationship based survival strategy is not necessary for our modern day relationships.
Learn to identify these reactions and feelings as attachment based, which become heightened or triggered in the context of relationships. They are not necessarily the foundation of your personality. It is simply a strategy that your brain is using to keep someone close to you.
Stop hiding and denying yourself and your needs. When you realize that your attachment based reactions are at play, have a conversation with yourself where you acknowledge that your needs are important, and are worth being voiced. Better yet, tell yourself that you are a beautiful human being worth loving.
Learn to live authentically, trusting that it is ok to be you, and to be loved as you are. If you push a partner away because you have a need, a complaint, or you are simply being yourself, then that partner is not the right person for you. Trust that it is safe to be you.