The catch-22 of an anxious attachment

Have you ever hid your needs, your desires, or your personality because you're afraid you'll be too much for someone and push them away?  Or, on the other hand, have you ever felt like you're not good enough for someone?  I'm guessing that Love Connectors will relate to this dynamic in particular, although many of us have likely experienced this feeling in our relationships. 

It can happen in any of the Love Styles, but it is particularly familiar to the Love Connector.  Why is this?  Because the Love Connector brain is wired to attach to a partner, no matter what.  This often means that they feel they must morph, hide, shrink, and deny their needs for the sake of maintaining a connection to a partner.  

Think about it…if you feel like you’re not good enough for a partner, you are more likely to want to keep them around, even if they aren’t worth keeping around. This is how a Love Connector can easily place an unhealthy or abusive partner on a pedestal and stay in unhealthy relationships for too long.

Alternatively, if you feel like you're "too much" for a partner, you're going to want to stay in a relationship because you are automatically thinking they are better than you in some way.  If you believe you are too much, you will fear asking for your needs to be met. You may be inauthentic with your partners, and you may also find it difficult to speak up when you aren’t happy with something. This continues to fuel the attachment needs of the Love Connector, which serve to maintain the attachment at all costs. 

The Love Connector's brain is always wired to keep it's connection to a partner.  It can make you believe that  you're unworthy, and make you hide your authentic truth for the sake of staying connected to a partner.

I was hijacked by this type of dynamic most of my life as a Love Connector with my anxious attachment. After many unhappy relationships, I realized this pattern of staying small. My brain wanted me to hide. It made me fearful of rocking the boat by asking for my needs to be met. It didn’t let me share my deepest feelings or thoughts. It kept my truth in hiding so that I never became too much for someone and risked pushing them away.

If you find that you are getting caught up in the too much-not enough trap, there are two things you can do to end this unhealthy cycle.

Become self-aware.

Understand that your attachment style is working hard for your survival, and is really just trying to keep you alive, quite literallyHowever, since we aren’t necessarily trying to survive in the forest as cavepeople anymore,  this type of relationship based survival strategy is not necessary for our modern day relationships. 

Learn to identify these reactions and feelings as attachment based, which become heightened or triggered in the context of relationships. They are not necessarily the foundation of your personality. It is simply a strategy that your brain is using to keep someone close to you. 

Be bold. 

Stop hiding and denying yourself and your needs. When you realize that your attachment based reactions are at play, have a conversation with yourself where you acknowledge that your needs are important, and are worth being voiced. Better yet, tell yourself that you are a rockstar of a human being and you are so very, very worth loving. 

Learn to live in the most authentic ways. Be you. Love and be loved just as you are.  If you push a partner away because you have a need, a complaint, or you are simply being yourself, then that partner is not the right person for you. Their loss, not yours.